7/9/2025
Dear Tim,
We were separated in 2004. I do not purport to know what Julia told you, yet we were in dire circumstances by then. I want you to know how much we love you.
- Your funny jokes
- Your exceptionally talented guitar playing
- The philosophy and knowledge you instilled in me through your literary journy
We had a very angry family Tim. One which could have done so many things differently. I did not learn this until well into adulthood. I learned negotiation, forgiveness, reconciliation and most of all forgiving ourselves. I also now understand just how broken the process was for getting help for you. I was very lucky to have been surrounded by friends and a good workplace that taught me so many things such as:
- perspective
- negotiation
- caring about the community even when it is at odds with what you have to offer
I care Tim. We were so very close. We were not given the skills in our family to let go of guilt (for just being kids or human) and we were not given the skills to tackle issues without anger. This started from when we were tiny, Greg raging when being woken up, Stan raging over crumbs on the counter. We had a quiet mother who was coping in her own way. So many things she and I would have taken on together as adults such as getting help "together" not individually. Yet she is not here for it. We all suffered that grief and loss together.
You deserved a positive and beautiful world full of hugs, forgiveness and love Tim. Car accidents were not your fault. TV's falling were not your fault. It is just how the world works. Bad/painful things happen and they pad the way for learning and becoming better people.
Yet you did not get to blossom with me. We were divided: by a girlfriend I had stopped communicating with well before she decided to date you. By our sister who had different ideas of what "help" looks like. By a father who chose rage when I told him - we had met a point where we were not dealing with sibling rivaly something is wrong. I begged and pleaded for him not to get angry with you. Help, calm, and happiness, and conflict resolution is not a solo effort Tim, and we should have been helping each other together.
I now have the hindsight and perspective to know we should have been in counseling "together" back in 1993. Not separately. Not punished by police or court systems. Not punished by our parents. Truly working on the issues of our health and calm. We lacked supervision from qualified individuals, honestly from birth. People do what they can with the skills they have. Your father loves you, your sister love you - yet the skills we needed were so advanced to work through it. We were not fortunate enough to have encountered them at the right time or place.
I love you Tim. I want you to have peace for the remainder of your days on this planet. To appreciate the warmth of the sun, the little things like a savored bite of your favorite food, enjoying the smiles when people see just how smart and talented you are. To remember the good and the funny things: blammo, caviar pasta, skateboarding with Billy. Nothing is your fault and you must remember that. We have a terrible set of systemic programming in our family for blaming ourselves or others. Sometimes it is just life, and we were just kids!
My hope and dream was that we could communicate again one day. That I could earn enough money to build a farm and have both you and Julia work on recovery with me. There are so many bad forces in the world one has to ignore, yet what is of value is being in it together and working out how to make the best of it, and how to forget the bad parts. I could tell you all the things I learned over the years, and we could wipe the slate so the state of Texas and horrible health care system we have would quit penalizing you for just being human. You are brilliant, funny, talented and so worthy of more. Nothing was handled well.
I miss you and I do hope we get a chance to see each other some day. You were my big brother who made me hotdogs, saved me from bullies and taught me how to fight. I would love to see you in a place where you do not feel you need to do so.
So Much Love Still,
Moira
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